2/13/15
Aboard B6 65, En route JFK-ABQ
Over the past six months, my Day 0 entries have focused on what I
immodestly consider some of my best new philosophy while glossing over the
actually events of Day 0. However, the
events of Day 0 actually make for quite the tale today, and I do not have
enough battery to properly explore this crucial bit of philosophy I have
developed this past week. Over those
past six months, I pretty much abandoned my Objectivist philosophy. Over the past week, I have reclaimed my
Objectivst values, and the philosophical theme of this trip will be a return to
Objectivism. “No Contradictions” is the
title of Day 0, and, when I get to Albuquerque and light up my 2010 Christmas
Pipe, just as I did in Quebec and Istanbul and Belmopan, just as I did after I
fell in love with Beth on the ship, I will write about a huge contradiction
that most people utter without a single second thought, and I will write about
why that is a contradiction and how to resolve that contradiction because
contradictions do not exist.
I was going
to write about Beth that an Objectivist would not fall in love with someone
else while he was in a committed relationship, but that is wrong. Hank Rearden was married when he fell in love
with Dagny, and Rand did not vilify him for it.
If I maintained my Objectivist values, I would have never started that
relationship in August. I would have
stayed with the girl I was dating at that time.
I consciously knew that I would be abandoning my Objectivist values if I
began that relationship. My personal
journals from that time mentioned how irrational it would be to begin that
relationship. (I really don’t care if
she reads this.)
I gave in to what I
perceived as “irrational happiness” and went to see where that led me. It was a big mistake, but it’s a mistake that
I would make every time because I gained knowledge and experience (experience
in the way Hume would mean, not the common use of the term). This past week, I have once again pursued
“irrational happiness,” and, just like the last time, I had to push away
someone I cared about. (That sentence,
and the sentences that follow, should be cryptic enough to only make sense to
the author and the person whom I had to push away.) However, unlike last time, the person whom I
pushed away knew exactly what was going on and understood and said that he
would be there for me once I figured it all out.
Well, I figured it out, and my return to
Objectivism has signified that I have found myself again, the self that I lost
over the past six months. The girl I
left six months ago in pursuit of “irrational happiness” would not understand,
or would she? If I texted her, would she
give me a second chance? Cue Taylor
Swift’s, “I Almost Do” to answer why I haven’t texted her yet. I should, though. My New Year’s resolution this year was to
return to my old self, the pinnacle of self that I had achieved in June. I am finally starting to keep that
resolution.
When I threw away my
Objectivist beliefs in August, it should have come as no surprise that my
Objectivist work ethic followed. Well,
it’s back, and, like the rest of the week, I had a very productive Day 0. The office closed at 3:30 PM, and my flight
was at 8 PM, so there should have been plenty of time to run a few errands and
have my cigar and still make my light easily, right? Well, let’s find out. I had class at 12:45 PM, which meant that I
would not get back until 2:30 PM. That
posed a couple of problems. First, it
meant that I would only be able to get about 4 hours of work done, and I made
it my mission to get 8 hours of work done in those 4 hours. The second problem was that I needed to get
my pre-departure lunch at Hop Won, and my lunch break gets absorbed into the
time I take for class.
I made a
deal with one of my coworkers, a deal we have made our Friday tradition. “I buy, you fly,” a term originated by our
former design engineer, someone whom I had occasion to speak with this week for
the first time in years, a man I have always admired and respected, and my
first real boss at the company. It was
good catching up with him, but he was unable to help us with the project. In fact, no one can, but that’s another
story. I provide my coworker with the
money for both of our lunches, and she picks it up with enough time for me to
scarf it down before I have to leave for class.
It was a perfect solution.
I woke
up with what I calculated to be enough time to get ready and get to the cigar
store with enough time to finish my cigar at the cigar store by 8:30 AM. There was a problem with that, too. It was freezing in my apartment, my space
heater not being able to hold back the single digit temperature outside. Eventually, my bladder overcame the cold, and
I grabbed a cigar from my box of the new Avo line on the way back to bed,
smoking it in bed. Eventually I forced
myself out of bed, and took my shower, leaving the Avo for afterwards. Next on the agenda was a shave. I grabbed the Avo and my razor, but my legs
were still freezing. I calculated that I
could aim the water at my legs without getting the cigar too wet and be able to
use the steam to get a good shave. I was
right, except for one small problem: bits of hair got on my cigar.
Once I was clean-shaven, I got dressed, and I
was well behind schedule. I would not
have enough time to walk to work, not even enough time to take the subway. I had time to neither stop at the cigar store
nor pick up breakfast. I would have to
take the bike, not a fun activity with the temperature in the single digits. I got to the office, storing the cigar in the
cigar saver, saving it for my bike ride to class after lunch. My morning was extremely productive, and I
got my traditional Friday pre-departure lunch.
After I dropped off my bike, I got the text that I knew I would be
getting at some point today: the link to the new Taylor Swift “Style” music
video. I had actually already watched
the video in the morning, and I had mixed feelings about it, but the girl who
sent it to me, my dearest and closest female friend, loved it. (Girls like her definitely “never go out of
style.”) She then sent me a link to the
Harry Style references in the video, but, when I went to click on the link, my
data service stopped working.
I tried
everything to fix it, and it took an hour to do so. Sure enough, it crapped out again almost as
soon as I fixed it. This was
disaster-level. Going to New Mexico
without data service would not work too well.
It is working fine now, but it cut into my focus at class and my
afternoon productivity. It’s working
fine now, I think. At 3:30 PM, I
finalized my itinerary, printed out a copy and went to pick up my suit, buy
myself a new suitcase, and have a cigar with the gang before I left. I also got a few extras for the trip. It was 5:30 PM by the time I got on my
bus. My flight was at 8 PM, so I should
have been fine, right?
The dateline
gives away any suspense, but it still makes for a good story, though I will
have to wrap up, since my battery is almost dead. Actually, it might crash at any minute. Well, he hit bad traffic, but it cleared up,
and we got to the terminal by 7 PM. I
would have to be at my gate by 7:45 PM, which should have been no problem, but
the line for security was very long and slow moving. I calculated that based on the rate it was
moving and the length of it there was no way I would make my flight. I started to panic. What would I do? Well, I’m sure my reader is familiar with how
the rows cross. When I got to the point
with the most overlap I said to the person standing there,
Albuquerque, New Mexico
Pipe cleaners and my Fearless CD.
I always forget something or some things. Anyway, that dateline kills any remaining
suspense, so I want to talk about the title of this trip. My trip to DC last weekend was an unexpected
journey. The Hobbit begins with “An Unexpected
Party,” where Bilbo is suddenly joined by Gandalf and 13 Dwarves. He then embarks on an unexpected journey,
hence the title of the first film and the matching title of my trip last
weekend. In contrast, The Lord of the
Rings begins with “A Long Expected Party,” namely Bilbo’s 111th
birthday party, his life having been unnaturally extended by the ring.
Anyway, this trip to New Mexico has been over
a decade in the making. I like to talk
about how I had been in love with my high school crush for a decade. In fact, it wasn’t until 2014 that I got over
her. From January 2004 to January 2014 I
was in love with her, even though I had only seen once, for a split second before
I ran away, since 2006. She was there,
at my parent’s house when we discussed the trip of the “three Plaques.” We went to Greece instead, where we got 6 Plaques. By “we,” I mean my parents and I. October 2013, I was finally going to do it,
an 11-day tour of the Southwest, an epic Stamp and Plaque run. Everything was good to go, all the hotels
booked, the flight booked, the vacation time approved. What happened? The government shut down, which meant no Stamps. I rescheduled for February 2015. Three days, just in New Mexico, maybe the
National Park on the border in Texas, too.
I had plenty of time to get the three plaques without taking off any
vacation time. I have been so busy the
past, well, few months, that I never got around to properly planning it. I had the flight, nothing else. I went to check the operating hours for Taos
Pueblos. It was closed for six
weeks.
Fuck!!! I almost cancelled the whole trip. I composed myself. I would rearrange the trip to get the last
National Park in Texas. I would get the
Plaque at Carlsbad. I would go back in a
few months to get the Plaques at Chaco Culture and Taos Pueblos. That would still allow me to say “Mainland US
Complete” when I went to Yellowstone and Glacier with my mother in July. I told Young the other day that this would be
the first time that I would Officially visit New Mexico. He asked what I meant. I told him that I had set foot in New Mexico
at Four Corners, but I didn’t have a cigar or a meal. I sure as hell didn’t take an Official
U. “You have a definition of what it
means to Officially visit a place? And it
includes all of those things?” He then
insisted that even airports counts. That’s
not Official! However, I have a vague
memory of eating some type of food item from a vendor at Four Corners. Since I am who I am, I am quite sure that
that was on the New Mexico side. The Official
U and the Cuban were not part of the definition at the time, so I guess I can
count it. Delaware, now that’s another
story. Well, my long expected journey
has once more been thwarted, but I shall return!
Okay, now back to the story at hand. Where my story left off when my computer
died, I was saying something to the guy in the row in front of me, something
that would save me ten minutes that could make the difference between catching
my flight and missing it. “My flight is
in 20 minutes, would you mind if I joined you?”
Technically, I should have had to ask everyone on line. “Ours in 5 minutes.” I went through the dividers, eliciting many
stares, but no one had the nerve to say anything other than that guy. “I didn’t say you could.” It was too late at that point. I had done it. I had saved the ten minutes. I would make my flight. After I cleared security, as I was putting on
my shoes, preparing to sprint to my gate, I said, “Just like Kotzebue.” I got to the gate ten minutes before my
flight was due to depart. The gate is
supposed to close fifteen minutes beforehand.
There were still people by the gate, but the door was closed. Was I too late? I ran up to the counter, and they smiled at
me. Did I make the flight? It was delayed due to issues with the inbound
aircraft.
I literally collapsed in
laughter. “At least you got your
exercise.” When we finally got on the
plane, the pilot mumbled something about Customs having to search the plane,
which was coming for Turks and Caicos. I
then wrote the first part of this entry, but I couldn’t sleep, so I listened to
Fearless on my phone, finally falling asleep as we made our descent, waking up
as we got to the gate. That few minutes
of sleep was enough to leave me feeling refreshed. I made my way to the rental car, and the
hotel was a mile from the airport. I
suppose that it would have been a better view and a better entry and all around
more Official if I stayed in town, but I am technically within Albuquerque city
limits, so it counts. I went to my room, took what Bella would call “a few human
minutes,” made some popcorn, lit up my 2010 Christmas Pipe, and proceeded to
write this entry.
Alright, now for that bit of philosophy that I promised, the
contradiction that so many people so casually utter. Reader, how many times have you heard someone
say, “No, he/she is just a friend. I don’t
think of him/her that way.”
Bullshit! Whenever I hear that, I
jump on the person speaking the words. “Why
not?” I’ll ask. “Is he/she not
attractive? Do you not think that he/she
will make a good father/mother to your children?” Invariably, the person will not criticize his
or her friend in that manner.
There is
an old joke that goes, “Can a guy and a girl be just friends? Sure, if one of them is gay.” Reader, I maintain that it is an absolute
contradiction to say “I don’t think of him/her that way.” Maybe it’s just an issue of semantics, but it
should be, “It could never work. I
thought of what it would be like to be with him/her, and I know that it couldn’t
work.” Those are facts and
circumstances. There are so many reasons
why a relationship would not work, but to know those reasons, you must first
think of him or her in that manner and then reject him or her because of facts
and circumstances.
In the second half of
2014, I had four female friends, all of whom I loved very dearly. All of whom I thought about “in that way.” To do otherwise would have been irrational. I dated one of them, and she is now just
somebody that I used to know. Another is
halfway around the world, and the other two are still very close and dear
friends, the two women that I still text every day. The
facts and circumstances for each of them are as follows: the one I dated was at
a different point in her life, the one whom I saw as the perfect woman was gay,
the two whom I still text every day, one is engaged to a great guy, the other,
the one I love the most and have known the longest, lives 1000 miles away.
The first woman I dated, the second I asked
out. The other two were never really an
option due to facts and circumstances.
It is tempting to say that they got “friend zoned,” but I believe the “friend
zone” is a contradiction. My point is
that, at one point or another, I thought of all four of them in that
manner. Two are practically out of my
life. The other two, I no longer think
of them that way, but that is because of facts and circumstances. If the facts and circumstances were
different, I would sure as hell think of them differently.
However, I want them to be happy. That brings me to the second contradiction,
people who think, “If I can’t have him/her, no one can.” If you claim to love someone, that is a contradiction. If you claim to love someone, you must think,
“I want him/her to be happy, even if it’s not with me.” Otherwise, it’s not love, it’s lust. Returning to my earlier point, last semester,
I was in love with four women. I do not deny
that, nor do I deny the emotional infidelity contained in that statement.
I only told two people, my male philosophy classmate
and my best friend. I suppose that the
female classmate knew I was in love with her, but she didn’t really care. Nothing could ever happen, so it was a
non-issue. My girlfriend certainly
knew. The other two didn’t know. (I hope they’re not reading this, but I’m
pretty sure they are not among my readers.)
When I told my best friend he said that, if I was in love with my
girlfriend, I should not be able to think of anyone else in that manner. That was when we started to drift apart. I explained that I was in love with those
women before I started dating my girlfriend, and I was in love with them for
who they were. They didn’t change, and I
didn’t change, so why would I have fallen out of love with them.
My male classmate, he had a different take,
and leave it to the philosopher to provide a simple rational answer. “It doesn’t matter,” he told me, “there is a
difference between feelings and actionable feelings.” We talked about this a lot throughout the
semester. We made a joke that will be hilarious
to anyone familiar with Hume, not so funny to anyone who is not. “Those are all matters of facts,” he said in
reference to the reasons why my feelings for the other three women were not
actionable, “You can imagine a universe where they are not true.” I agreed with him, but I said that I could
not imagine a universe where I successfully dated all four at that same
time. “That is a relation of ideas,” I said
in reference to the fact that I was only dating one girl. We shared a good laugh over that.
The other thing we discussed was that I said that I
loved all of them like sisters. His
response was to ask me what romantic love was other than sisterly love plus
physical attraction. Barring facts and
circumstances, that’s all it is. If you
love someone as a friend, as a brother/sister, and are physically attracted to
him/her, it is a contradiction if you do not think of him/her “in that way.” Sure, you can dismiss the thoughts because of
facts and circumstances, but the thoughts must first be formed.
There is often a very rational answer to
these questions: “I don’t want to risk the friendship.” I will explore that theme more in tomorrow’s
entry, but saying that you value the actuality of a deep friendship over the
possibility of a romantic relationship, one that could “go down in flames,” is
a rational judgment that one can make, but only after thinking of him/her “in
that way” first.
Where am I going with
all of this? To quote Rand, “To arrive
at a contradiction is to confess an error in one’s thinking; to maintain a
contradiction is to abdicate one’s mind and to evict oneself from the realm of
reality.” That is something that I
refuse to do, but it is something that I find people are too willing to so
casually do, but it is not something that I would allow myself to do, and I
would encourage my readers not to, either.
On that note, I close.
Ironically, it will be Valentine’s Day when my readers see this entry,
quite fitting.
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